I Wanted to Live

Most of my life was spent overdoing. Over working. Overeating. Over exercising. Over scheduling. Over doing everything.  All this overdoing left me exhausted, frustrated, disconnected, anxious, and depressed.

Why was I doing all this? What for? For whom?

These were the questions I started asking myself a few years ago.

From the outside, my life looked good.  People thought my relationship was good. My job was good. I lived in a good home. I dressed in nice clothes, was always put together, and had a smile on my face.  This was the image I presented to the world.

But I was living a lie. Behind closed doors I was a very sad, grieving woman. I wasn’t being true to myself, let alone anybody else. I was in gut-wrenching emotional pain.  I even considered whether I wanted to live anymore. It was in that moment, I knew I needed to make some changes.

I looked to the Universe. I asked for help.

So began my exploration. I set my intention and embarked on a spiritual journey. I was getting closer to turning 50; the time where reexamination of your life is common, so I was right on time.

I had started my journey by unwinding myself from a codependent relationship where I totally gave myself away. For the first time, I was actually feeling my feelings. Being five years sober at that time, there was no more numbing, no more covering things up.  Feeling the pain was excruciating but I was willing to go through this to get to the other side.  I had to feel it to heal it.

Along this journey, I met beautiful earthly angels. Each one helped me learn more about myself. One of them introduced me to a love addiction program that I feel saved my life. In what seemed like Divine timing, each person led me to the modality I needed at the time. I learned about who I was, what made me tick, and the healing began.

One day I learned about a forgiveness process that literally changed my life. It was a beautiful gift, as my heart sang for the first time in my life. I had always just done what was in front of me, done what I thought I was supposed to do, and what I thought other people wanted me to do. This idea of forgiveness helped me feel excited, connected again, and that I really did want to be here.

I wanted to live. I felt alive!

The day I experienced radical forgiveness was the day I stepped into myself. This is my work, this is my passion. I know firsthand, the power of forgiveness and I am so excited to share this with other people today.  Forgiveness is not just when we’re angry. Forgiveness runs deeper than that. It is about discovering and uncovering the beliefs, attitudes, and stories that run your life. These beliefs are on a constant loop and we often are not aware of them. The forgiveness process brings these beliefs to light so they can be shifted and changed.  Giving us the love and peace that we are all seeking.

Can you relate to this type of journey in life?  What have you found to bring you peace?