Feeling not in control is scary. Especially for those of us that have used this sense of control as a safety mechanism in our lives. We learned it at a young age as we tried to navigate the uncertainties in our family lives.
It happened to me. I lost control. I had been handling things well or so I thought. Reminding myself breathe. Doing my meditation. Feeling like I was calm.
Then I lost it. Out of nowhere or so it felt. My whole body flushed, and I could feel the burning coming up from my toes. It happened in a nano second. I threw the pen on the floor and it shattered. And I screamed.
I was shaking and crying. Feeling out of control. Things weren’t going my way. I wanted to be right. Why can’t this person just do it my way? What is their problem?
Shaking yet Calm
Yet as I allowed myself to be in those feelings, within a few minutes, I started to feel the calmness slowly creep into my body. I was still shaking (which I’ve learned can be a trauma response which happens after a trauma has passed) yet my body was feeling a release.
What I know about myself and through the work that I’ve done is that these reactions can be from buried beliefs within myself. I was being “triggered”. For me, having this come up can feel like I was being hijacked, yet I also believe that it was coming up so it can be felt and released.
As I became calmer, I could look at my reaction. It’s not something I could do while I’m in it.
There are things happening in my life that are out of my control and it got to me. Control was something that I learned at an incredibly young age. It was a response to things that happened to me and in my family that I couldn’t really understand being so young and so I thought that if I kept some semblance of control, then I would be safe. For me it is about safety.
This is something that has popped up throughout my life and I’ve intentionally been working on for quite a while now. To heal it. To transform it. To be able to create a foundation of safety for myself in life regardless of the outside circumstances.
Layers to Learning
And as I’m learning to do this, of course, I’m going to get sideswiped because there seems to be layers to our learning. Layers to our beliefs and patterns. With more awareness I am getting to those layers and can navigate them with more clarity.
This time was better. No one got hurt. And I was able to recover quicker than before. And I know it will continue to get better as I have proof that it already has.
It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get hijacked.
And it’s okay to be willing to let go of this safety mechanism of “control” and to take however much time we need.