Ever catch yourself smiling while saying “I’d love to” when your entire body is screaming “I can’t handle one more thing”? This episode was born from one of those exact moments – when I said yes to supporting a friend despite being completely drained from construction chaos, my husband’s health issues, and emotionally challenging client calls.

That moment of recognition led me to explore a profound question: What if being “too nice” is actually a form of self-abandonment? This isn’t about becoming unkind or uncaring – it’s about understanding the hidden cost of perpetual people-pleasing and how to reclaim your voice without losing your heart.

I define self-abandonment as dismissing our own needs, emotions, or truth to avoid discomfort – either ours or someone else’s. It’s that internal voice saying “don’t rock the boat” or, as I grew up hearing, “don’t cause waves.” When we become emotional caretakers of others at the cost of ourselves, we’re practicing emotional neglect toward the one person we’re responsible for: ourselves.

This pattern often starts in childhood. Were you rewarded for being an “easy child”? Praised for not making a fuss? Many of us learned that love is earned through being agreeable, that “good girls don’t say no,” and that asserting our needs leads to punishment or withdrawal of affection. Some of us had role models who demonstrated martyrdom as love – and that was certainly my experience.

Through client stories, I illustrate how these patterns play out in adulthood. Beth, a high achiever, said yes to leading multiple volunteer committees while managing a full-time job and aging parents because she felt guilty saying no. Her breakthrough came when she realized: “For years I believed saying yes made me more lovable. But I was exhausted. Eventually I learned that love that demands emotional neglect isn’t love. It’s obligation.”

Linda grew up believing that “good girls don’t say no” and entered adulthood terrified of conflict, equating boundaries with meanness. She became so enmeshed with others that she didn’t know where she ended and they began. She prided herself on knowing others better than they knew themselves – while remaining completely disconnected from her own needs and wants.

The signs of self-abandonment are telling: saying yes when every cell wants to say no, feeling guilty for resting, avoiding conflict even when hurt, resenting others while blaming yourself, and feeling overly responsible for others’ happiness. If you recognize these patterns, you’re not broken – you’re using outdated survival strategies that once kept you safe but now cost you your inner peace.

The solution lies in redefining kindness through boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out – they’re about keeping yourself in your own integrity. Real kindness must include you. If it excludes your needs, it’s not kindness – it’s performance.

I share practical boundary scripts for when you’re at capacity: “That doesn’t work for me, but thank you for thinking of me,” “I need time to process this before responding,” and “I’d love to help, yet I’m at capacity right now.” These simple phrases can feel revolutionary when you’re used to over-explaining and justifying your basic needs.

The episode includes five concrete steps to reclaim your boundaries: checking in with your body before saying yes, using simple and direct language, expecting discomfort as part of growth, starting with small “micro-boundaries,” and celebrating every win to rewire your nervous system.

Both Beth and Linda were shocked to discover that people didn’t get mad when they started honoring their needs. Their fear of rejection was bigger than the reality of setting boundaries. In fact, they felt more connected to themselves than ever before and discovered they could actually appreciate and love themselves – something they hadn’t known was possible.

The transformation goes beyond individual well-being. When we stop betraying ourselves to make others comfortable, we model healthy relationships for everyone in our lives. We show that love doesn’t require self-sacrifice and that boundaries are acts of self-loyalty, not selfishness.

This episode concludes with a powerful affirmation: “I am no longer shrinking to be liked. I am no longer silencing my truth to stay safe. I am learning to love myself by honoring my voice. I am not just nice, I am whole.”