We all deal with guilt in life. Surprisingly, not all guilt is bad; proper ‘guilt’ can be healthy for us and keep us on the paths we want to travel. It’s hard to navigate the guilt maze–knowing what’s healthy and not and how to get the best out of both. Let’s talk about the differences and work to have those emotions work FOR us, not against us!

Healthy Guilt: Does That Even Make Sense?

I know. It sounds weird that guilt could be healthy, but the truth is, some good comes when we realize that we’re not where we want to be. Healthy guilt is typically what we experience when we genuinely recognize that we’re having a moral or ethical lapse in our behavior. It’s what we feel when we know we shouldn’t eat yet another piece of pie for lunch, and it motivates us to eat the salad instead. If we let it, it serves as a constructive emotion to prompt us to acknowledge where we might need to take corrective action. It comes from our own conscience and value system and is motivating for positive behavior changes.

The most important thing about healthy guilt is that it diminishes once it is resolved or we take the actions we know we should. It lets us move forward without any negative feelings of shame hanging around.

Some examples of healthy guilt include:

• Moral Guilt: This type of guilt is what you feel when you recognize you’re violating your own moral or ethical principles. It’s what you feel when you don’t get charged for an item at the store, and you realize it, knowing that it would be awesome to save that money, but you can’t do it because you know someone else depends on that income. It’s a healthy reminder to do the right thing, even when no one but you would know differently, and it’s the foundation of our integrity.

• Empathetic Guilt: This is when you feel guilty for circumstances or actions that cause others to be distressed or harmed. It’s your heart’s desire to make things better, even if there was no malintent on your part. It’s what you may feel when you don’t even realize you’ve hurt someone else’s feelings, but once you do, you’re motivated to make things right.
• Accountability Guilt: We feel this when we are obligated to do something and don’t come through. We promised we’d be at our kid’s soccer game, but the afternoon meeting ran over, and we couldn’t get there. It keeps us prioritizing what’s important and focused on developing those things.

Unhealthy Guilt: Not Good For Body Or Mind

Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, often comes from unwarranted or irrational places or sources. It could be another’s unrealistic expectations, pressure, or self-criticism. The bottom line is that it is not okay. It doesn’t have a clear ethical or moral basis, whether society’s or our own, and it lingers.

It festers, grows, and breeds shame, doubt, and other issues our hearts and minds were not created to bear.

There are more types of unhealthy guilt than there are of healthy guilt. Women are the best at beating themselves up, but the world also lends its hand. The most common types of unhealthy guilt include:

• Excessive Guilt: This is when we blame ourselves for things we do not control. We beat ourselves up for something we literally couldn’t change. For instance, we feel terrible that we let our team down on a big project because our partner or child gets the flu, and we become the caregiver. We don’t believe it’s our fault or intent, but we wear the guilt. This often occurs when individuals blame themselves excessively for things beyond their control.

• Parental Guilt: Parents know this one well. Whether we’re not spending enough time with our kids, giving them too much of this or not enough of that, or simply worried we’re not good enough, this one eats at us. Sure, there may be some constructive concepts, for instance, if we worry about too much screen time as a babysitter, but the reality is that we go overboard and beat ourselves up for simply being human parents. Parental guilt can be harmful to both parent and child, as it tends to lend itself to constant overcompensation for the guilt parents feel–and that brings about a whole different set of problems. Parents may experience guilt for various reasons, such as not spending enough time with their children or making parenting mistakes. While some parental guilt can be constructive, excessive guilt can harm both the parent and the child.

• Perfectionism-Driven Guilt: Perfectionists often set up incredibly unrealistic goals and standards for themselves. Then, as a kicker, they feel horrible when they fall short of those goals. This may lead to chronic anxiety, self-criticism, and, ultimately, depression as you think you’ll never meet the goals you’ve set for yourself.

• Survivor’s Guilt: This happens a lot, and it’s hard. It’s what you feel when you survive a traumatic event or situation while others do not. It’s not your fault that another suffered, and still, you feel guilty that you made it through.

• Cultural or Religious Guilt: When the expectations from a religious belief or a cultural norm lead you to guilt because you feel you’re not meeting the expectation or standard. Because our culture and religion are often so intricately tied with who we are and who those around us are, it can be particularly challenging to navigate.

• Manipulative Guilt: This unhealthy guilt is used as a form of manipulation, and it’s NOT fair. It’s when someone tries to make you feel guilty to gain control or the advantage. They get something out of preying on your kindness and goodwill.

The thing about unhealthy guilt is that it can linger. A long time. Far longer than it ever should and can be pretty disproportionate to the situation. It canlead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and chronic anxiety. It can make you terrified to make decisions and mess with your mind, physical body, and well-being.

Whereas healthy guilt motivates a positive behavior change or encourages us to rectify situations that we can for the good of all parties, unhealthy guilt clings and doesn’t allow any forgiveness. Healthy guilt diminishes and lets us move on healthily.

How can guilt affect the context of your career?

When it comes to your career or business, it’s essential to ask yourself some questions:

• Do I feel guilty about things related to my work or career? If so, what are the specifics, and why do I feel guilty?

Some common things women feel unhealthy guilt about include:

• Not being further in their careers.
• They are not able to spend full amounts of energy on their jobs because of family and their families because of jobs.
• Not taking the best care of themselves because that takes time from their job.

Too many of us feel like if we’re not productive, we’re focused on some unrealistic goal or expectation. We replay what we’re doing wrong over and over in our heads. What we’re doing is sabotaging ourselves.

We also should ask how guilt manifests itself in thoughts or emotions. Think about what you do when you feel guilty. Do you resort to retail therapy and then end up in debt? Talk about a guilt cycle! Or, do you eat what you know you shouldn’t or wouldn’t normally? It’s a perpetual cycle of guilt creation; we don’t have to bear it.

Last, we should ask whether we have any relationships in our personal or professional life where we often feel that guilt. Take a look at the dynamics and see what can be changed.

What’s The Difference Between Shame and Guilt?

At the core, it’s all about expectations. Do I hold on to past mistakes or regrets and feel ashamed? Do I learn from the experiences (making them a bit more healthy), or do I let them fester? Do I deal with other people’s guilt healthily, or do I let it beat me down?

Guilt is typically associated with something we have done or failed to do. It’s action-oriented. When you feel guilty, you’re essentially acknowledging that you’ve made a mistake or done something wrong, and this feeling is usually linked to a specific behavior or decision. Healthy guilt can be constructive as it often motivates us to make amends, correct our actions, or behave differently in the future. It’s about feeling bad for what we did and how it turned out, not for who we are.

Shame, on the other hand, is more about how we see ourselves. It’s a more profound, more pervasive feeling that doesn’t just focus on a particular action but on our entire self. When you feel shame, you might think you are bad, unworthy, or inadequate. It’s a feeling of being flawed at a fundamental level. Unlike guilt, which can lead to positive change, shame can be debilitating and harmful to our sense of self-worth and can often lead to a cycle of negative emotions and behaviors.

Understanding the difference between these two emotions can be particularly important in a business context. For example, feeling guilty about missing a deadline can motivate you to improve your time management skills, whereas feeling ashamed might lead to a disproportionate sense of personal failure and inadequacy. In leadership and entrepreneurship, fostering an environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth (guilt) rather than reflections of personal inadequacies (shame) can benefit individual and organizational development.

How Do I Manage Guilt Effectively?

The best way to manage guilt is to identify. Identify your source. Identify the nature–healthy or not. Identify if it’s personal, relationship, or career. Identify your role, and don’t take on any more than that.

Then, consider self-reflection. Spend time journaling and quietly reflecting on where you have experienced guilt in your business or career. Write down these experiences in detail, including the circumstances, your thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Define your values by clarifying them when it comes to business or career. Figure out what you stand for and what you want people to know about you in your professional life, and then allow THOSE goals to set your expectations.

A guilt journal will allow you to take ownership of your guilt and pay attention to triggers. Write all the guilt instances down and see the patterns that can help you distinguish between healthy and unhealthy guilt.

It’s always good to reach out to trusted friends, mentors, or colleagues and ask for their perspectives on your guilt-related issues. They may offer insights and different viewpoints that can help you gauge whether your guilt is justified or misplaced. We are our circle, so trusted mentors and friends can help us.

Mindfulness or meditation exercises can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness can also help you observe guilt as it arises and decide whether it serves a constructive purpose or is detrimental to your well-being.

Don’t be afraid to consider working with a professional coach or therapist specializing in career-related issues and emotions. They can provide guidance, tools, and strategies to help you identify and manage unhealthy guilt. They can also help you understand industry standards and benchmarks to see if your guilt aligns with what would be considered reasonable in your field.

Set boundaries so you ensure you don’t become overcommitted. This often leads to guilty feelings because you can’t say no and prioritize your self-care. Boundaries help and lend themselves to practicing self-compassion. When you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, even though you experience guilt, you can be kind to yourself and give grace. Treat yourself as you’d treat a dear friend, and this can help you differentiate between self-imposed guilt and empathy for others.

Remember–guilt is a complicated and complex emotion. We all experience it from time to time. The key is to decide whether it’s helping us be the best versions of ourselves or holding us back and instilling doubt, fear, and unnecessary stress in our lives. When we take the appropriate steps to address and manage guilt in our professional lives, we’re doing what’s best for us and others around us–talk about turning guilt around for good!