5 Ways To Tell If You’ve Forgiven Someone

When I left my ex, my heart hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. It was such a co-dependent relationship and I knew it had to change and he wasn’t willing to make changes so I had to leave to save myself. It was so hard to see him “go on with […]
January 22, 2018
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Brenda Reiss Coaching

Brenda Reiss is a Forgiveness Coach and author of “Forgive Yourself” and “Journey to Your Heart Space” and host of the “Forgive Yourself Podcast”. She facilitates workshops and group programs that guide women from being stuck in guilt, resentment, and self-sabotage to feeling freer, more expanded and ready to share themselves and their passions with the world.

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5 Ways To Tell If You’ve Forgiven Someone

When I left my ex, my heart hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. It was such a co-dependent relationship and I knew it had to change and he wasn’t willing to make changes so I had to leave to save myself.

It was so hard to see him “go on with life” with dating and looking all together. Now, this was me making judgments and comparing my insides to his outsides and my insides were crumbling fast. I couldn’t even think that he could be feeling the same way I did.

The thoughts that I had were not pretty. They were of the revengeful type. In fact, I wanted him to suffer and even die. Because I thought it would be easier for me to not hear about him or see him in the community. I just wanted him to go away so my pain could stop.

What I didn’t know was that the pain wouldn’t stop because it wasn’t really about him. Meaning, the pain I was feeling wasn’t all from him. It was from my own life. Yes, he messed up and I did too. Yet the suffering I was feeling was of my own making.

With the Forgiveness work I was able to release the feelings of revenge that I had for him along with the other people in my life and today, we have a good relationship where I can think of him and not be angry or resentful or sad. It’s the gifts that I look at today which is a huge improvement and that’s what I would like for you to feel.

Here are 5 ways to tell if you’ve forgiven someone:

1. When you can think of them without thinking of the hurt they caused you.

When it comes to forgiveness, it’s important to note that telling the person you forgive them is not always necessary. Forgiveness is a personal decision and can be done without any communication with the person who caused the harm.

One of the signs of forgiveness is being able to have neutral thoughts about the person and dropping the grudge. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior that caused the harm.

Instead, forgiveness allows you to move on from the situation and let go of any negative emotions that may be holding you back. While telling the person you forgive them can be a healing experience, it’s not always necessary and forgiveness can be achieved on your own terms.

Being able to have just normal types of thoughts about the person is what you are aiming for which means you are dropping the grudge you hold against them. Getting to even a neutral place is good.

2. What if they needed your help?

Can you forgive and still be hurt? That’s a common question that arises when it comes to forgiveness. One way to gauge where you are in the process of forgiving someone is to ask yourself, “What if they needed your help?”

This doesn’t mean that you have to actually go out and help them, but simply thinking or feeling about the idea of helping them can give you a sense of where you stand. Would you be willing to assist them if they needed it, or do you feel a sense of resentment or anger towards them?

This can serve as a barometer of how much progress you have made in the process of forgiving them. It’s important to note that forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened or that you condone their behavior. It simply means that you are releasing the negative emotions associated with the situation and moving forward in a healthier way.

So, take a moment to ask yourself, “What if they needed your help?” and see where your heart lies.

3. Can you think positive thoughts about this person?

Can you think positive thoughts about someone who has hurt you deeply? This is a difficult question, but it can reveal a lot about your level of forgiveness towards that person. If you find it hard to come up with anything positive about them, it may indicate that you still hold resentment towards them. Resentment is a powerful emotion that can linger long after the initial hurt has passed. If you are still feeling resentful towards someone, it’s important to acknowledge those feelings and work towards forgiveness.

One way to determine if someone resents you is by paying attention to their body language and behavior. If they avoid you or give you the silent treatment, it may be a sign that they are holding onto negative feelings. They may also make snide or sarcastic comments towards you, even if they seem to be in good spirits with others around them. It’s important to address these issues and have an open and honest conversation with the person to try and work through any lingering negative feelings.

Is there anything good that comes up about them? If there isn’t anything good, then that tells you that maybe there’s more forgiving to do. Your thoughts & feelings are a guide

Remember that forgiveness is a process, and it takes time and effort to reach a place of true forgiveness. It’s okay to feel hurt and angry, but it’s important to work through those emotions and come out on the other side with a renewed sense of peace and understanding. Whether or not you choose to tell the person you have forgiven them is up to you, but remember that forgiveness is ultimately about letting go of negative emotions and moving forward with positivity and grace.

4. Do you think of wanting revenge?

Forgiving someone who has hurt us deeply is a difficult process. It’s common to experience feelings of hurt, anger, and even revenge toward the person who has wronged us. However, it’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing the other person’s behavior.

It’s possible to forgive someone and still feel hurt by their actions. If you find yourself constantly thinking about wanting revenge, it’s a sign that you still need to work on forgiving the person.

Holding onto these negative thoughts and feelings can only harm you in the long run. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of your life and work on letting go of the resentment you feel towards the other person. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself.

There may be consequences that need to come for this person, but does your heart want to hurt them? If so, would you call this forgiveness?

5. Final sign of forgiveness: When you have stopped looking for them to fail

One of the final signs that you have truly forgiven someone is when you stop wanting them to fail or suffer. Instead, you genuinely wish them well and hope for their success. This is a significant shift from harboring negative feelings and keeping track of all their wrongdoings.

Forgiveness is a difficult process that requires time and effort, but it is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing. When you forgive someone, you release yourself from the burden of holding onto anger, resentment, and pain. You can move forward with a clear mind and an open heart.

However, forgiveness does not mean that you have to forget or excuse the harm that was done to you. It is possible to forgive and still feel hurt or affected by the person’s actions. It is a process of acknowledging the pain, letting go of the negative emotions, and moving toward’s healing and growth.

When you stop looking for the person to fail or suffer, you have reached a significant milestone in your journey toward forgiveness. It shows that you have accepted the reality of the situation and are willing to move forward without holding onto grudges or negative feelings.

If you have truly forgiven someone, then just like you would for anyone else, you would want them to succeed or at least do better in life. Forgiveness means you’ve stopped keeping score of all the person’s wrongdoings.

This is not easy! Yet it is powerful when you can get to the place of forgiveness. Especially those that we loved and spent time with and maybe even thought it was forever or at least a long time.

Forgiveness is a choice.

It’s a release of anger and any bitterness or grudge.

It is a conscious choice to remove the right to get even from the person who injured you.

It’s not a release of responsibility or an absence of healthy boundaries on our part.

When we are angry, resentful or blaming someone else for our pain…we give them our power.

Forgiveness is taking your power back.

Disclaimer

The Brenda Reiss Podcast and content posted by Brend Reiss is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Brenda Reiss Coaching

Brenda Reiss is a Forgiveness Coach and author of “Forgive Yourself” and “Journey to Your Heart Space” and host of the “Forgive Yourself Podcast”. She facilitates workshops and group programs that guide women from being stuck in guilt, resentment, and self-sabotage to feeling freer, more expanded and ready to share themselves and their passions with the world.

Follow on Social

Listen to Podcast

Take Our Quiz Today

Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself?

Take our quiz to find out!

Buy Brenda’s Book and learn how to…

  • Step into your power
  • Illuminate Your Purpose
  • Replace Regret with Gratitude
Disclaimer

The Brenda Reiss Podcast and content posted by Brend Reiss is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

7 Comments

  1. Glenda Meadon

    Why do I feel like running?

    Reply
    • Bill

      So loved this!
      Forgiveness is not about saying words.
      It’s about doing the work. The investment is hard but the return is great reward.

      Reply
    • Rakesh Varma

      Really Helpful! Thanks for sharing.

      Reply
  2. Bill

    Forgiveness is a journey that we never walk alone

    Reply
  3. Sherry smith

    Can you be hurt by someone that all you ever wanted was good for them and they be healthy and blessed, to be hurt do you always want that person to suffer, because I was hurt but I didn’t ever feel vengeful to them, I felt hurt though , I felt I had forgiven my dad and sister until I found some papers from a time after that brought back memories of the hurt and it caused me grief again,the emotion shocked me and I worry it was a sign of my not forgiven them completely the first time. I pray that the situation be completely forgiven on my part, for I know how there has been times I could have hurt someone and I wouldn’t want them to suffer from something I’d done, I pray lord help us to love and be good to others, forgive us how we mess up and fall short

    Reply
  4. LANDIWE KHUMALO

    Today I got a question from a friend asking me how does she know she has forgiven, I could not give a clear answer but reading “your 5ways” on your website has also empowered me. Thank you very much.

    Reply
  5. Katherine

    I’m interested in the last point – what if someone in a leadership role has demonstrated harmful relational behaviour repeatedly. Can you wish someone success whilst also believing that the company/group would be much better off with a different leader?

    Reply

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