What if you thought you had forgiven someone, yet you feel you still have some sort of resentment you can’t seem to figure out or let go of?
Or you are experiencing residual sadness and anger that come up even after you feel you have truly forgiven someone.
What do you do?
There are a few different reasons why we might have some residual resentment, anger, or sadness even after we think we have forgiven someone.
1. We might have only forgiven them from our heads (as a decision) rather than from our hearts (spiritual understanding).
If this is the case, we might still be seeing the problem more clearly than the relationship.
2. Another reason might be that we have not completely identified exactly WHAT needs to be forgiven, or additional repercussions keep arising that we weren’t aware of when we forgave originally.
For instance, let’s say we forgave someone for a damaged car fender, but later we have to replace the tire, then our insurance goes up, and a year later there is a noise and vibration up in the fender that we have to get looked at.
These additional features that we were unaware of when we forgave must be added to the cost and may require additional forgiveness!
These additional features that we were unaware of when we forgave must be added to the cost and may require additional forgiveness!
3. Another common reason for resentment is that we are not fully healed from the damage done and the pain is ongoing.
4. We could be experiencing “triggered memories” associated with an offense. For example, I might forgive my friend for lying to me, but discover that resentment keeps showing up because I have unresolved, and unforgiven issues from when my mother would lie to me as a child about her drinking.
No matter what the reason for your leftover resentment, anger, or sadness….
Getting curious with the question, “What do I need to know about this nagging resentment (or anger, or sadness) will likely prove helpful.
Journaling is an excellent way of gaining insight.
And if that doesn’t provide you the answers you seek, schedule a complimentary consultation with me. I’d love to see how I can help.
Click here to schedule a time that works for you.
It makes sense that we are attracted to what we know in relationships. There’s a sense of comfort in familiarity.
Even when it’s painful. I lived my life in painful relationships for a long time.
Our world and the way we view it is shaped by how we view ourselves – did you know that?
Every interaction and conversation can be considered a direct reflection of how we see ourselves.
So, in that respect – relationships are a mirror.
That means we are drawn to both the positive and not so positive parts of ourselves in others.
Do you see how it shows up in your relationships?
Something unresolved in you is manifesting in relationships around you.
Here’s a quick story…
When I was dating my now husband Doug, he was working out all the time. I would get super upset – overly upset – at how he would work out all the time. When I stopped and looked at my over-reaction – it was information for me.
He was reflecting for me that I wasn’t taking care of myself and that I was overdoing the work part of my life. He was overly working out and I was overly working.
So, my strong reaction showed me an area where I needed to heal, which was a good thing.
When we are looking in the mirror – the best attitude we can have is to take a double positive attitude. Like a win-win attitude.
Because the reflection can be showing us something we like or not like about ourselves.
It’s all good information.
Relationships deliver truth that is valuable. They really do.
We need to stop blinding ourselves against that truth.
Be the observer of your situations – like watching a movie. You know it’s a movie and you are observing the movie.
This way you cultivate awareness and you can change your perception from viewing it as a terrible thing to an informative thing that you have the power to change.
This can take the fear out of it and opens up more compassion and understanding that brings the peace that we are all seeking.
What I’ve learned is that it was scary for me just because of not knowing what was really there and it seemed so much bigger than me until I realized that it was me looking at it through the my younger self’s eyes which at that time, it was bigger than me.
As an adult, I have choice and I can trust and have faith and reach out to someone to help me in this exploration of self. Then it isn’t so scary.
We aren’t as alone as we think we are. It can be our beliefs rearing their heads to keep us in the status quo or “safe”. Which shows up as not reaching out to others or not trying something new because it is different than what we are used to. But are we really safe in our beliefs that may or may not even be ours?
When we learn to question those beliefs, it can bring our power back to us.
Here are a couple steps to take when you get caught in that spiral of scariness:
1. Get curious. Curiosity is such a great way to release the mind’s hold on that safety valve. Our minds want to keep us safe but it is based on that old belief system.
2. Ask: Is that true? When a statement comes up in our minds like “you can’t do that” or “remember when you did that last time” or “she’s much better than you”, that’s when we get to really take control of our thoughts. Asking that statement takes our minds off of what that status quo has always been and gets it looking for other ways to prove that it isn’t true.
It actually can be fun to learn more about ourselves when we don’t feel like we are doing it alone and when we have a few simple and easy tools to guide us.
Scary To You?
When I left my ex, my heart hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. It was such a co-dependent relationship and I knew it had to change and he wasn’t willing to make changes so I had to leave to save myself.
It was so hard to see him “go on with life” with dating and looking all together. Now, this was me making judgments and comparing my insides to his outsides and my insides were crumbling fast. I couldn’t even think that he could be feeling the same way I did.
The thoughts that I had were not pretty. They were of the revengeful type. In fact, I wanted him to suffer and even die. Because I thought it would be easier for me to not hear about him or see him in the community. I just wanted him to go away so my pain could stop.
What I didn’t know was that the pain wouldn’t stop because it wasn’t really about him. Meaning, the pain I was feeling wasn’t all from him. It was from my own life. Yes, he messed up and I did too. Yet the suffering I was feeling was of my own making.
With the Forgiveness work I was able to release the feelings of revenge that I had for him along with the other people in my life and today, we have a good relationship where I can think of him and not be angry or resentful or sad. It’s the gifts that I look at today which is a huge improvement and that’s what I would like for you to feel.
Here are 5 ways to tell if you’ve forgiven someone:
1. When you can think of them without thinking of the hurt they caused you.
Being able to have just normal types of thoughts about the person is what you are aiming for which means you are dropping the grudge you hold against them. Getting to even a neutral place is good.
2. What if they needed your help?
Not that you would run out and do that now. Yet, if you think into this or feel into this thought of them needing your help, would you do it?
Does the thought or feeling come up as yeah, I’d help them or hell no!
This is just a barometer of where you are at with this person.
3. Can you think positive thoughts about this person?
Is there anything good that comes up about them? If there isn’t anything good, then that tells you that maybe there’s more forgiving to do. Your thoughts & feelings are a guide.
4. Do you think of wanting revenge?
There may be consequences that need to come for this person, but does your heart want to hurt them? If so, would you call this forgiveness?
5. When you have stopped looking for them to fail.
If you have truly forgiven someone, then just like you would for anyone else, you would want them to succeed or at least do better in life. Forgiveness means you’ve stopped keeping score of all the person’s wrong doings.
This is not easy! Yet it is powerful when you can get to the place of forgiveness. Especially those that we loved and spent time with and maybe even thought it was forever or at least a long time.
Forgiveness is a choice.
It’s a release of anger and any bitterness or grudge.
It is a conscious choice to remove the right to get even from the person who injured you.
It’s not a release of responsibility or an absence of healthy boundaries on our part.
When we are angry, resentful or blaming someone else for our pain…we give them our power.
Forgiveness is taking your power back.
How does it feel when you are happy and feel connected?
Makes a difference doesn’t it?
It’s been proven that forgiveness or unforgiveness really plays a critical role in our health.
So how does forgiveness affect your health?
Here is an excerpt from a blog written by Colin Tipping, author of the Radical Forgiveness book and an easy tool for you to use to aid in the forgiveness process: “Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as a disease.”
According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way. With that in mind, forgiveness therapy is now being used to help treat diseases, such as cancer.
“It’s important to treat emotional wounds or disorders because they really can hinder someone’s reactions to the treatments, even someone’s willingness to pursue treatment,” Standiford explained.
Of all cancer patients, 61 percent have forgiveness issues. Of those, more than half are severe, according to research by Dr. Michael Barry, a pastor and the author of the book, The Forgiveness Project. “Harboring these negative emotions, this anger and hatred, creates a state of chronic anxiety,” he said.
“Chronic anxiety very predictably produces excess adrenaline and cortisol, which deplete the production of natural killer cells, which is your body’s foot soldier in the fight against cancer,” he explained. The fact is, of course, this applies to everyone, not just cancer patients.
There’s a tool in Radical Forgiveness called the 4-Steps that can be used any time you feel stressed or some irritation comes up. Writing these down or memorizing them is really helpful.
1. Look what I created!
2. I notice my feelings and my judgments but love myself anyway.
3. I am willing to see the perfection in the situation.
4. I choose peace.
It’s amazing how this can transform the situation immediately. Just by being willing to be willing can make a change.
Affect Your Health?
It’s a struggle. Life is a struggle. What is this moving from head to heart anyway? I’m open. I meditate and do my inner work.
Then why is there sadness? Why is there a heavy feeling in my chest? Why is there a disconnected feeling from my body?
Those were questions that I have been pondering the last few years as I went through one surgery then another then another. What was happening? Then a few months ago more pain and my body going into spasm. After all the training and work that was going on within me I felt betrayed. Again. This time though it wasn’t from somebody else…it was from myself.
Starting a business filets you right open. That’s how it has felt. All the skeletons come out and the beliefs come up and it can feel like the biggest roller coaster ride of your life with no end. At least that’s what my head was saying.
Yet that’s what it is all about. How can I share about forgiveness without understanding fully what forgiveness entails? On all levels.
Making the decision to take a pause in my business and do some deep inner work to help my physical healing was one of those types of roller coaster times. My head going crazy with that self-talk that wasn’t pleasant and down right mean while my heart said “Ahhhh….she’s listening”.
That was it. That moment of moving head to heart.
There were no words as tears softly rolled down my cheeks. It was an understanding at a level where no words were needed.
My heart was broken open. After all the times I tried to get my heart to open on this deeper level that I knew needed healing. Always striving trying to make it happen and being upset when it didn’t. When what was needed was a sweet surrender to make an opening just enough for the light to pour in and allow me to pour out.
What a ride this journey called life. Forgiveness of self for holding our beautiful light back is in order. Having compassion for ourselves when we feel it isn’t happening and really wanting it to happen. It happens when it’s time to happen. And that’s beautiful.
We keep moving forward one step at a time and sometimes we leap. Yet, it isn’t about the striving or proving. It’s about allowing. Feel your heart and let it know you’re ready when it is.
How about giving ourselves a lift? I’m not just talking weight loss or body sculpturing.
What do I mean by that? Well, through this spring I was realizing that my health needed a lift. My adrenals needed a lift. My heart needed a lift. My relationship needed a lift.
How do we give those parts of us a lift?
1.) We recognize the parts by being really honest with ourselves and taking a few minutes to sit with our bodies and minds and see what comes up. Do you feel happy or sad? Do you wake up energized or not? Have there been thoughts of changing your eating or exercising? Keep a journal for a day or two to see what kinds of thoughts are coming up.
2.) Choose one of those areas. The one you think of most often. I know we want to fix them all yet that could be setting ourselves up for disappointment and that could be an all too familiar pattern for some of us. We want to not feed that one.
3.) Make 3 action steps that are doable. Keyword is doable. Things that are simple and you are willing to do.
An example would be:
Adrenals – take supplements from the Naturopath, clear some things off my calendar, rest during the day, water therapy.
Heart – step away from the computer & go outside and walk; call a friend to talk or have coffee; cuddle with your kids or partner; put your hand over your heart and tell yourself how you appreciate you for being willing to pause a moment and take care of yourself.
Relationship – set a time to talk about how you are feeling; go for a walk together; go on a date – something fun and different; hold hands – yes, touch is the #1 thing we need as humans. Whether this is a romantic relationship or friendship – relationships are key to our existence.
Try it for a week and see how happier you feel. More connected you may feel. More Alive you may feel. Say YES to you!
Giving ourselves a lift isn’t rocket science even though my head will tell me it is and come up with excuses not to do it by saying it’s too easy. It needs to be more challenging. Not!
Let’s move out of our own way . Get back to basics. Reconnect with ourselves so we can then connect with each other.
It feels like we have many wake-up calls on our journey. Some are huge and some seem insignificant. Yet, they are all vital as it takes us to our next level of growth or experience.
Almost 2 months ago, I started getting my own wake-up call with my body spasming and the pain was debilitating. As I always look for meaning in things, I was thinking it was probably nervousness as I’ve become more visible in the business and was about to embark on a couple new speaking opportunities. Yet, as those passed the pain didn’t get better.
I’ve always been a driven person especially being passionate about something. And guiding people through the forgiveness process and building this business has been my passion as I so deeply wanted to share this life changing process with others.
My awareness increased about the message my body was giving me yet I continued on not totally heeding the message which has been a pattern for me in my life called ‘pushing through’ or what we learn in the forgiveness work called a belief of ‘not being good enough’ or ‘needing to prove myself’.
I was taking care of myself with getting help to ease the spasming yet I wasn’t listening to the deeper message which was “Stop” and “Listen”, there’s something here for you to learn and release.
See, it’s been a tight rope with my adrenals since my brain surgery 2 years ago which put me into adrenal fatigue borderline failure. And within a short period of time after surgery I was back in training and classes. Not the best decision I have made yet felt driven to do it at that time. Through all the excitement of helping others I momentarily lost track of me. Can you relate? And that has been quite a dance for me ever since.
Recently after preparing for a new 5 week series, workshop and speaking opportunity then attending 4 days of workshops and classes myself, my body finally said “enough”. It’s like it was saying “I tried to tell you and since you didn’t listen, you’re down for the count and maybe now you’ll listen”.
So now…I’m listening.
I made one of what felt like the hardest decisions to make since starting my business and that was to cancel the new 5 week Foundations of Forgiveness course that was to start this week and also cancelled the workshop in June. And if you know me, I absolutely love that workshop and how it changes people’s lives.
It became clear to me that it was time to take a “pause” in parts of my business and focus on what I teach others to do and that is to take care of them first and foremost. Putting the oxygen mask on first.
The pause in my business is in not taking on new clients or facilitating events for now. Allowing myself time for some deep healing and self-forgiveness/acceptance work for sure.
I have a feeling that there will be much to share with you through this process as we usually get to experience what we are here to teach. That has been so true throughout my life.
There is more to come and will be shared through this newsletter and on Facebook.
Sending you energetic hugs and deep appreciation.
What could be riskier than diving out of an airplane or climbing a glacier-covered peak or accelerating a race car into a curve at the Indy 500?
For one person it might be quitting a secure, well-paying job to go back to school. For another, it could be deciding to leave a marriage after 18 years or reporting that the company they work for is endangering the environment or people’s lives.
Though it may not appear so at first glance, psychological risks that summon us to put our personal values and beliefs on the line may ultimately feel more dangerous than those of physical derring-do. Yet these are the challenges that we are asked to face time and again if we are to continue to grow as individuals. Each time we take a risk that contributes to our personal growth or enhances our self-esteem or enriches our lives, we make the choice to stretch ourselves, knowing there are no guarantees and chancing possible failure.
Growth-producing risks generally fall into three categories.
These are the risks you take when you want to get ahead, learn something new or make a distant dream a reality. You take on the venture with hopes of enriching your life. Maybe you want to change careers, or take singing lessons, or learn to speak French. On one side of the risk is the person you are and, on the other, the person you want to become.
All commitment risks have emotional stakes whether you pledge yourself to a person or a relationship or to a cause, a career, or a value. As you have probably read many times, if you avoid making emotional commitments, you all but guarantee that your emotional growth will be stunted.
Communication risks fall into the category of self-disclosure. Anytime you tell someone how you really feel you’re taking the chance of self-disclosure. When you open up to others and reveal who you really are, how you feel and what you want and need, you make yourself vulnerable. It is impossible to be assertive without doing so.
All risks carry with them the possibility of failure. Often significant sacrifices must be made before any real benefits are realized. Routines may have to change; the familiar may have to be released. You may face the feelings of rejection. In the case of commitment to a value, personal safety may be in danger. Consider those who stand up for what they believe in or put their own health and well-being on the line in the name of a cause. Challenging yourself is often the key to personal growth and development.
Are you a risk-taker? Ask yourself the following questions:
Does every decision involve endless debates with yourself?
Do you accept less than what you should because you’re afraid to speak up?
Do you have difficulty making emotional commitments to others?
Do you make up excuses that stop you from taking advantage of opportunities for self-improvement?
Does fear of disapproval keep you from doing what you’d really like to do?
A “yes” answer to these questions indicates a reluctance to take risks, which may mean you tend to play it safe and reject change.
Consider this: to fulfill your potential, to discover your real self and live an authentic life, you must take risks. And while security may appear to be the absence of change, the only genuine security lies in taking risks. And it is a risk really worth taking. There’s nothing more heart opening and exhilarating than living life your way.
Getting curious is a wonderful way to discover new ways of being. Let’s get curious together.